♦ · A · Day · In · The · Life · ♦

Hmm. Look at that. I can be two-faced too. I think I just might make a game out of this. This looks like it could be a lot of fun. Only with you though, of course. Only to the ones who deserve it, right? I didn't think I was capable of doing something like that, but I just might be. I guess we'll find out.

Let the games begin.

So long, 2007. You were certainly 223048 times better than 2006, which was what we were aiming for, but you still deceived me. Even still, we had fun. It's time to welcome the new year now and hopefully it will bring even better things. I think it will.

I'm hungry. There is no food or activity in my house, even though both parents are home. Days like these make me want to leave and never come back. This house is always so sad and empty...and fucking messy. My mother used to be so neat and now she's anything but. It drives me crazy. Whenever the parents leave, I clean like mad, but when they're around I don't even bother. It's their problem to deal with. I can't wait for the day I get my own place. I hope to the god I don't even believe in that it happens someday soon. On my days off I probably talk to myself more than anyone else. It gets lonesome after a while. I'm supposed to be doing my schoolwork right now...and I'm sure I'll get to it eventually, but as you probably know, I'm a big fan of procrastination.

I was thinking about this month and how insane it's going to be. I've been thinking about it for a little while now, and dreading it. I've decided winter vacation is going to be a huge reconstruction period. I'm going to be incredibly frazzled and drained, and I'm really going to need to relax and fix myself up. I know for one thing, I will be getting wasted. A lot. And having as much fun as possible, since I can't have any for a long time. I also hope to get to the gym quite a bit. I've noticed a definite weight gain in the last month or two and it's starting to disgust me. Stress certainly doesn't help this, and neither will the holidays, so that is definitely a must-do on the winter checklist. I also might be getting a new job at Perspectives. The interview was supposed to be yesterday, but I had to postpone it to Monday due to a test. Fucking school...but I have a good feeling about this. I think it would be great to help people out. I don't get to do enough of that. I think about myself too much. This job will be good for me. For those of you who don't know, Perspectives is a chain of group homes in RI that houses the mentally challenged and I'm applying for the job of direct support professional. Basically what I'll be doing is helping them through their normal daily routines. Not only would it be good for me, but I think I would be good at it. I'm really looking forward to it.

Today has been a very nostalgic day. Earlier in the day I was very angry. At Jay. At everything else. I didn't want to be bothered. However, I was driving home from westerly after completing a few errands, and I felt softened. Maybe it was the FYE visit and talking to my friends that made me better, I don't know. But instead of the usual route, I took a couple of roads in Ashaway that I don't normally take. Ones that really brought back memories. I passed by different houses and thought about the people I knew who grew up in them and even the memories I had in them. Then I started thinking about Jay again, and even though the house he grew up in is right next door, I thought more about those days than I usually do and I started to miss him again. I've been missing him more lately, but I've been thinking more about our future together than our past. Today was definitely focused on the past. I try not to sway that way these days, because it's really just a waste of time, but I just couldn't help it. I should probably snap out of it though. Now. I think it may be more beneficial if I stay angry at him, otherwise I get nothing done. I get so wrapped up in him sometimes that I float through my life in a daze and it's hard to focus on what I should be doing. That is the last thing I want right now, because I have a lot to accomplish and there is no time for nonsense. I'll have time to think about my love life in a few weeks, but right now it just can't be my main focus. Even still, I think today I probably could really use a little love. I guess that's something else I will have to incorporate into my winter checklist.

Have you ever taken a moment to yourself and just looked in the mirror? I mean really looked. Have you ever stared so intently at your face and looked yourself in the eyes until you could practically see right through and it almost didn't make sense anymore? Sort of like when you repeat a word over and over again until suddenly it's just an odd noise you're making with your lips and vocal chords and the word loses all meaning. There have been times when I've done this and wondered, "What am I? How the hell did I get here? How did I end up in this body, with this face, in this house, with this family, in this state, this country?" There are over 6 billion people in the world. How did I end up being me?

I may not be a relgious person, but I am spiritual. Religion doesn't make sense to me, there are just too many people with different gods, too many outlandish stories, far too many contradictions, and I'm not one to believe just anything if I don't see it. However, I do believe there is something bigger, maybe even many, that we just can't even begin to fathom, and I believe that we all have something inside of us. Our bodies are just ways to get around. So how did I end up in this body? Why wasn't I born someone completely different somewhere in Africa in some third-world country? Why am I one of the lucky ones? This thought has been one of many to completely blow my mind for a long time now, and I just expressed it for the first time only the other night.

I think what we are inside is made up of energy. An extremely powerful energy that can do anything. But what's amazing is how every single one of us is different in some way. This is where the astrology starts to come into play, and you might agree with me if you really read up on its origins. It really does make quite a bit of sense. Of course, I don't believe that our astrological make-up is everything that makes us who we are, it also depends on our upbringing, our atmosphere and our experiences as we travel through life, of course. However, we are all born individuals, clean, pure, untouched and yet there is something that makes us unique right from the beginning. It's like whatever type of energy is being produced when we're born makes us who we are.

Not only do I wonder at the spiritual part of humans, but even the physical. It's all quite amazing, physiology and anatomy. And the mere fact that everyone looks different in some way. There are over 6 billion combinations in facial structure. And more! I often wonder if they're recycled. Through centuries, through countries, through whatever. I've also wondered if maybe somewhere in the world I have an identical twin. Wouldn't that be wild! I would love to meet her. Except if she was nothing like me and evil, I would have to kill her. Perhaps I'll go on a quest. Or maybe she does exist and I'll somehow bump into her one day. What an overwhelmingly perplexing idea. I love it.

I can't believe I've had these thoughts for so many years and this is the first time I've ever written them. Just that fact alone is astonishing to me.

Last week was the sad stage. Now here comes the pissed off stage.

Maybe I'm too available. Maybe I give too much. Before I really get anything. This is how I get screwed over. It's like an open invitation to fuck me and leave me I guess. I don't mean to put it in such a harsh way because he's not like that, but maybe just a little inconsiderate of my feelings? Speaking of which, why do I always put my feelings second when it comes to relationships? Somebody's got to take care of them and it sure isn't going to be any man! No matter how sweet, gentle, clever and thoughtful he is, he's still a man. A straight one. With a penis. What the fuck! How could I forget that one?

I should have spoken up when he made that announcement to me and two other people, just like I'm only as important as the next roommate of a friend. Like it shouldn't even matter to me either way. I should have spoken my mind and then stormed out of the room like I wanted to do, but no, instead I held my tongue and downed three more beers just so I would get drunk faster and not have to think about how much it bothered me. Why do I ALWAYS hold my tongue! When it has soo much to say in almost any situation. I let it slip at times, but always at the wrong ones and then when it comes time to say something really important, I don't make a peep. I'm so angry at myself. Probably more than I am at him.

It's always about men. All of these stupid journal entries. I have so many other problems to deal with, but at the end of the day, this is what it comes down to. Is there nothing else to write about in the world?! Of COURSE there is! What am I doing with my life! I can't take this too seriously though. It's livejournal. My real feelings are under lock and key. So this is what you get. Nothing quite deep, no real writing, just ranting. Me and all of my anger and frustration that I hardly ever show when you all see my happy smiling face. =)

Hah.

Time to get over it now.

I hate money. So goddamn much. I'm constantly getting screwed over and I'm sick and tired of it. There's no solution either. I wish I could just move to another country sometimes.

Hmm...this feeling I'm having...it's a bit familiar. I think I've felt it before. Oh yeah, I'm happy. Wow so that's what it's like. Yup, I'm pretty sure I remember this. I actually forgot what it was like for a while. It's nice to finally have it back again, it's been far farr too long.

Soo there's this guy and he's absolutely perfect in every way...every girl's dream. And I get him. What? I know. I'm half expecting myself to wake up or something because this just seems way too good to be true. Or perhaps this is just payback for what I went through over him when I was 14 and then everything else I just went through these past two years. I guess I deserve it. Lucky break though!

And even though I'm still trying my best to be strong and optimistic, there are still days like these when I just need to stop and ask - what the hell did I do to deserve all of this? Why am I STILL in the same place I was two years ago? There is something horribly wrong with that picture.

But like always, I just keep going. Afterall, what else is there to do? And if it's true for me that what goes around comes around, then it is certainly true for them too. It's only fair. That doesn't really make me feel better, but it's somewhat comforting in a way.

Things will get better, they've already started to, but it's an extremely slow process so far.


I just realized that I haven't written since before my trip. Well, Virginia was pretty cool, New York was a blast and well...West Virginia was a bust. A HUGE disappointment. I don't think I've been so angry at someone in my entire life. If I could only have seen them that day. I would have probably punched them right in their faces. No doubt. But even though it was a huge waste of time, money, mental anguish...a lot of things, it still helped in a way. It really opened my eyes. I realize now that it's just a lost cause and not at all worth everything I put into it. Fuck it. Fuck them. You think you know somebody for 17 years, and then one day you turn around and realize they've turned into a stranger, or someone completely different, just like people do in dreams. But...oh well. What can ya do? It is what it is. No longer my problem.

I've got bigger things on my mind now. I'm hoping this fall is going to change my perspective on a lot of things. I'm almost positive it will. Things are finally going to change for the better.

No one uses LJ anymore! That includes me. Just a year or two ago, it was almost as popular as myspace, and now I'm looking at my friends list and wondering what happened to more than half the people on there. So now I feel like writing.

I have so much to do this week before Sunday. Preparation! Early sunday morning Laura and I will be leaving for Virginia again. Hopefully this time we won't get lost and we'll arrive a little earlier, rather than 12 hours later. We are staying with my parents for a few days and then heading over to West Virginia for Goodstock (if it is still going on of course...I've received word that it might not be...it better)!!! That should be 3 wonderful days of peace love and music WHOO! And I'll get to see my best friends play and blow the whole place away, as well as trip out and expand my mind. I'm excited. As of yesterday, there is also even a new possibility plan for after the festival. I absolutely need to see the White Stripes, and they just so happen to be touring around the area when we get back. I tried to get tickets in Boston but they are sold out, so we might be going up to NYC to see them at Madison Square Garden. That would be incredible. We'll see though.

I had a dream last night that my parents had another kid. Something I've always secretly kinda wanted. It was weird though. I didn't actually see it, but it was a boy and I was happy that I finally had a little sibling. Weird. I dreamed of a lot of things, but that is what I remember best.

There is so much to think about this summer. So much to get ready for. An audition I need to prepare for before school starts, then actually going to school, being poor, having to find a new job and work full time. I'm going to be really broke after this trip. I don't care though because I'm going to have the time of my life. Then it's back to reality.

I'm getting pretty tired of sleeping alone every night. No matter what I do, where I go or who I'm with, I am always alone. I try so hard to change that but I never can. The one thing that I want more than anything else in the whole world is something that I just cannot have. Of course it always has to work out that way. And it's always the same thing for me. It's something that every human being needs to live and it's dangled in front of me, but I just can't have it in any form. As a result, I'm turning into a robot.

Okay wow, way to ruin my entire night, asshole. Way to be a huge downer. I can't believe what a great waste of time the whole month of may was. You may not regret it, but right about now I'm thinking I do. Thanks for ruining a perfectly good day and more importantly, thanks for letting me make an ass out of myself for two weeks and not even have the decency or the balls to tell me how you really felt. And even after that I still took the time and the patience to deal with you and your own bullshit. I actually give you some good advice and try to make you feel better but you just shoot it to the ground and continue moping and pitying yourself. No consideration for what I have to say or how I feel. You don't want to know anything about me and you never did. Why was I even interested at all? Honestly, what was I thinking? I didn't think you were the selfish type but now I'm not so sure. One more piece of advice for you; get over it and grow the fuck up for christ's sake.

I swear to god just two hours ago I had been feeling great all day. Yeah way to suck. And I thought I was going to be the one to fuck it up.

How strange and unexpected the week has been so far. But in a good way. It looks like I finally found someone I might actually like. No, definitely do. We spent all day together and I am sunburned but I don't care because I had a good time. Yet, like always, I'm feeling a small hint of something pulling me away. I guess I'll just ignore it because no doubt it's just my pickiness and my hope in finding someone absolutely perfect. Which actually doesn't work because there is no such thing, so I should just shut up and be grateful for what I've suddenly come across. Let's just hope this is what I really want and that I don't just suddenly back out and fuck this whole thing all up.

I ruin everything.

And I really don't know what to do with myself right now.

I'm 19!! Strange I've been a legal adult for a year now. What an amazing birthday it was! The sun came out and it was a beautiful day, good herb with good friends and I got to see Third Eye Blind. That was a nice surprise. It was quite possibly my best day of 2007 so far. I like 4/19. I'm guaranteed two days of fun in a row.

Happy 4/20 everybody!

Bad fog of loneliness
Put a cloud
on my single-mindedness
I dream of sweet caress
From you.

What makes tomorrow guess
What makes me take from me,
and put aside the rest
I dream of sweet caress
From you.

No matter what I do, it's always him. I don't want anyone else. I try, but I'm just not interested in anyone. Is there something wrong with me? Or does everyone around me just suck a lot? I tried to go for something different, but it ended up being a little too different. I knew he was the exact type of guy that I DON'T go for, but for some reason I thought it might work? Nope. Not at all. I want nothing to do with it. I thought I could do it, but I just can't. I feel like a terrible person, but I do still have my standards. I guess it's just hard to try and pick someone else when I already know who I want. I can't stand the thought of being with someone else when he's still all I think about. I always become so fixated on one idea that I completely shut off all others. That's not a good thing for anyone who plans on moving forward with their life.

At the rate I'm going, it seems I just might be unhappy for a long time.

Even though there are still some days where I feel real down about everything, more lately I've been getting this feeling like everything's gonna be alright. Especially on days like today. I guess good weather really brings out the best in me. And everyone else as well. But I always knew that. All I want to do is feel good and move along. Spring forward! Yeah! Excited about tonight, even though I'm going to see the kid who ruined my night on friday. But if he insults me again, I'm not going to let it get to me, I'm just going to tell him exactly where he can go and move forward some more.

I guess what I'm doing now is turning from a friendly pessimist to an optimistic bitch. I think I like the second one better, cause it's all for me. =)

Soooo pumped about my new pimpin room and all the new shit I bought for myself, including these amazing speakers so now I can fucking blast my amazing music that I play on my laptoppp. Everything is so pretty and comfy and WONNNDERFUL and I'm so excited! Fuck quitting herb, it's gonna be so much fun smokin in this room and everyone's invited! Next on my list of new things to buy is a bong.

=)

My birthday's in exactly one month!! 19 on the 19th!! Whoooo!!! Don't know why I'm so excited about that...probably just because I'll get a little extra loot. Damn that reminds me I need to do my taxes...

Ewe.

I really can't wait for spring. This weather really just ruined my week. My attitude, my mood, everything. I felt so different just a few days ago. Strange how the weather can do that. I just wish I could make all this snow and the clouds disappear.

What I thought was going to be a huge expensive problem with my car actually turned out to be a very minor and inexpensive one. That's a huge weight off of my shoulders now that I know I'm not going to have to buy a new one. And finding this out today makes up for that speeding ticket I got yesterday. I still need to save my money though because I still need everything else in the world besides a vehicle. That includes a new place to live because I really can't stand living at home anymore. I used to hate the city and never want to live there, but now it's all I want. I need to be where all the action is, where everybody and everything is on the go. Seclusion is nice, but it's been getting pretty boring and lonely. Time for a change.

It's March 1st, which means my 19th birthday is in exactly one month and 18 days. Nothing really special about that, but I'm looking forward to it. I like being a spring baby. I like being an Aries. That time of year always brings me so much optimism. Today seems like it will be an optimistic day. I just hope work doesn't change that. That place has had a lot of negative effects on me lately. It should be fine today though. Speaking of work, I applied for another job at the Primetime Cafe yesterday. I figure it would be nice to make a little extra money in the mornings. I need something else to do since I'm not in school. I've been wishing that I had signed up second semester. Hopefully this will make me feel a little better about it, because even though I'm working full time right now, I'm still not making nearly enough money, so not being in school really makes no sense to me at all.

The Aries horoscope for today says that I'm going to see something that gives me a whole new perspective on love. That sounds good to me. I wonder if it means I'll be meeting someone? I also wonder if it will even happen. Perhaps it will. I could use a breath of fresh air.

Aaannnd yet another instance where karma kicks me in the ass. Why did I always have to be so goddamn stupid before?! I'm paying for all of my past mistakes now, at the same time, and it's making life really fucking miserable for me. I'm done taking important people in my life for granted and I'm sorry that I did so much before. I guess this all a learning experience, but I really wish it would end because I'm pretty sure I've learned my lesson. How long is this going to last?

I really want to get an apartment in the city this summer or fall. I love Craigslist.com!